I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
