I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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