my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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