Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Fuck appropriateness.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
