I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
