her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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