Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
