Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
