I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
