also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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