Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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