True but thats because hes a fetus.
You smell like stripper and shame
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
third nipple confirmed
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
