There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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