I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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