So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
