So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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