If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
