I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
