No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
