I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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