I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
