Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
