Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
