Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
