My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
