He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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