I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Randomize
