My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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