Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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