yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
