I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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