I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
