Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Randomize
