My room smells like vodka and shame
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Randomize
