The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
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