Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
