Plan B is the new Plan A
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Randomize