I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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