Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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