I wannas sexs uuuuu
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Randomize
