Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
