areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
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