Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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