they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize