there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
