I will die if light touches me.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Four minutes until I can fart!
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
