i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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