I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
