I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
