Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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