I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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