I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
