Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
