and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
