It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
