wrigley field is MILF paradise
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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