I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
