She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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