i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
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