3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
i was born a porn star she said
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Randomize
