Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
