I accidentally burped into my bong.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
