I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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