Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
