Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
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