I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
