My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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