I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
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