If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
As shirtless as possible
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
