mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
