Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
